Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Jonah Hex / ** (PG-13)

Jonah Hex: Josh Brolin
Quentin Turnbald: John Malkovich
Lilah: Megan Fox
Burke: Michael Fassbender
Lieutenant Grass: Will Arnett
President Grant: Aidan Quinn

Warner Bros. Pictures presents a film directed by Jimmy Hayward. Written by Neveldine & Taylor and William Farmer. Based on characters appearing in the DC Comics magazines by John Albano & Tony Dezungia. Running time: 81 min. Rated PG-13 (for intense sequences of violence and action, disturbing images and sexual content).

Guy 1:Hey! Did you hear that DC has adapted another one of their obscure comic book properties into a feature film?

Guy 2: Uh, no. What is it?

G1: “Jonah Hex”. He’s some old western paranormal hero from back in the 70s. He’s kinda like a Clint Eastwood character who can talk with the dead. Ring any bells?

G2: Uh, no. Who’s in it?

G1: Well, it’s got this great cast. Josh Brolin plays Jonah Hex…

G2: Who?

G1: You know. Josh Brolin. The guy in that Best Picture winner from the Coen Brothers from a couple of years back. That kinda western thingy with that psycho killer, who went around flipping coins and killing everyone with an air gun? But that wasn’t Brolin.

G2: Um, I still don’t know who you mean.

G1: Sean Astin’s big brother from “The Goonies”?

G2: Oh, yeah! I know that guy. Isn’t Barbara Streisand like his mother or something?

G1: Wha?! Really? Anyway, he’s in it with a big-ass scar on his face that was given to him by his arch nemesis, Quentin Turnbald. He’s played by John Malkovich. You know, that crazy guy?

G2: Yeah, that guy’s creepy. Everybody’s always doing impressions of him. Him and that Christopher Walken guy. I think he’s crazy too.

G1: Yeah. So anyway, also that chick from “Transformers” is in it.

G2: Megan Fox. She is hot!!!

G1: She’s even hotter here, ‘cause she’s playing this prostitute who wears all these half dresses so you can always see her legs in these sexy old timey whore stockings. And it looks like she’s always glistening with sweat. How do they do that anyway?

G2: Who cares? At least it’s not the rip off that “The A-Team” was, putting Jessica Biel in there with all those clothes on.

G1: Yeah. Thank God for that. Oh, and there’s this Irish guy in there with a bunch of tattoos on his face. That’s kinda cool. And I think the guy who plays the President is also an Irish guy, but he doesn’t speak Irish in the movie. He just speaks American, ‘cause he’s the President. And I think one of the bad guys was also a bad guy in that God-awful movie “Ghost Rider” with Nick Cage. Oh, and that bald black guy from the X-Filesy show on FOX now is in it too. He’s in those Caddy commercials too.

G2: So what’s it about?

G1: Alright. It’s a western, right? Taking place after that war where the south fought the north. But it’s not like a normal western, ‘cause it’s based on this comic book. It more like “Wild Wild West” except it doesn’t suck quite as bad. You know, there are all these James Bond gadgets used by the hero, except western style, like a double-barreled Gatling gun horse mount. Jonah Hex’s family was killed by this Turnbald guy, so he’s got it out for him. And Turnbald’s supposed to be dead, but he’s not. Instead he’s planning on either conquering or destroying the United States. I’m not really sure which. And…

G2: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop there. Rewind for a second. I thought I heard you say it didn’t “suck quite as bad” as “Wild Wild West”. So, is it any good at all?

G1: Not really. No.

G2: Then why are you telling me about it?

G1: I dunno.

Jonah Hex | Movie Trailers


The Wells Family said...

Ha! Very good review my love. Sorry it took me so long to read it. love u.

Andrew D. Wells said...

I thought you'd like the Goonies reference.