Holiday Thoughts ‘13—Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) zero stars

NR, 81 min.

Director: Nicholas Webster

Writers: Glenville Mareth, Paul L. Jacobson (story)

Starring: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Chris Month, Pia Zadora, Leila Martin, Charles Renn, James Cahill, Ned Wertimer, Doris Rich, Carl Don

This movie is just awful. Of course, how could anyone expect it not to be? Like many awful movies however, it’s not as fun as you’d hope it would be to experience its awfulness. The main problem… it is oh so incredibly dull. I fell asleep on this movie twice before reaching the half hour mark. I tried one last time with a little more sleep and some caffeine and somehow made it through. I might’ve still nodded off a bit at one point.

The movie involves a plot by Martians to kidnap Santa so he can teach the children of Mars to live with the same joy as Earth children. This is very low budget stuff. You can see the seams in the cardboard sets. The costuming is ridiculously childish. And yet, the drama is acted in defiant earnestness.

I feel compelled to stop writing about this movie now, because it is hardly worth the effort. It has become known as a sort of cult classic. I would not wish to be a member of the cult that finds this film to be a classic. “Mystery Science Theater 3000” did a skewering of this film back in its day. I wish I had watched their version of it. I’m sure they funnied it up to at least a bearably watchable level.

So for your viewing pleasure, here's their version instead of the original.