Penny Thoughts ‘12—Shark Night 3D (2011) *½

PG-13, 90 min.

Director: David R. Ellis

Writers: Will Hayes, Jesse Studenberg

Starring: Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmac, Katharine McPhee, Joel David Moore, Donal Logue, Joshua Leonard, Sinqua Walls, Alyssa Diaz, Chris Zylka

SPOILER WARNING!!! DON’T READ THIS REVIEW IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN “THE CABIN IN THE WOODS” YET. THIS REVIEW FOR “SHARK NIGHT” CONTAINS VITAL PLOT SECRETS TO THE FILM “THE CABIN IN THE WOODS”. IF YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IN “SHARK NIGHT” WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES, YOU’VE NEVER SEEN A HORROR MOVIE BEFORE.

Before I saw the recent theatrical release “The Cabin in the Woods”, I would’ve thought that “Shark Night” was just a bad horror movie. Even in 3D. Now, I realize it exists simply to appease the gods. What happens in it may be depressingly predictable, like something out of an instruction manual on how to make every horror movie ever made, but it serves a purpose. It keeps this whole ball of Earth spinning, and we don’t all have to burn in a fiery hell created by the dark ones when they reclaim their planet.

“Shark Night” does have one rule that “The Cabin in the Woods” forgot about. There must be at least one ethnic character who is the first to die. Then, as taught in “Cabin”, the slut goes next, and the jock, and the nerd, and the joker. The order might be slightly different, but the “virginal” heroine must survive until the end. Perhaps if this movie weren’t inexplicably rated PG-13, the ancient ones would’ve taken her in the end as well, but since it’s not a requirement…

Do me a favor. Don’t waste your time with this movie; go see “The Cabin in the Woods” while it’s still in theaters. Here’s my review of that infinitely better film.